Sunday, March 11, 2012

Jar-Jar Gets What is Coming to Him.


(This is something I like to pretend is a missing chapter of Galaxy History, 
taking place sometime during Star Wars Episode III.  I first wrote it for 
my friend Guin, but I thought it would be fun to share with the rest of you.
There is, of course, no evidence to suggest that it happened, that it could 
have happened, or even that Mister Lucas ever even considered its 
happening.
 
But it should have happened.) 


INT. OLD AIR SPEEDER (MOVING) - MORNING 
 
(An old, dirty, white air speeder barrels across the sky above a homeless-
ridden street in Corellia.  In the front seat are two young Jedi -- one white, 
one black -- both wearing traditional Jedi robes.  Their names are OBI-WAN
KENOBI (white) and MACE WINDU (black).  Mace is behind the wheel.)
 
MACE
All right, now, tell me about Anakin.
 
OBI-WAN
What so you want to know?
 
MACE
Well, he’s having some problems, isn’t he?  I can sense his turmoil . . . 
 
OBI-WAN
Nothing that can’t be handled.  
 
MACE
Would you care to elaborate?
 
OBI-WAN
(sighs) Anakin is going through a great deal of difficulty right now.  
 
MACE
Has he confided these difficulties to you?
 
OBI-WAN
Not as such.  But I know that he’s having difficulties.
 
MACE
What difficulties?
 
OBI-WAN
The stress of the war is mounting, and he’s had to make some decisions 
that even a career general shouldn’t have to make.  
 
MACE
Example.
 
OBI-WAN
Well, there was a planet where he and a group of his fellow padawan were 
stationed, along with their masters.  He and I got separated, and then the 
other masters died, and it was just the students, trying to deal with a local 
rebellion against the Republic armed with Count Dooku’s armaments and 
droids.
 
MACE
I think I heard something about this.
 
OBI-WAN
Anakin ended up having to leave the loyalist forces behind to die, after all 
his friends were slain in battle.  Shortly thereafter, he heard news that I 
was dead.  He spent months without a master, in the thick of the war.
 
MACE
(nods)  Sadly, such events are becoming more common.  Many Jedi are 
having crisis, not just the padawans.  Some fear this war may tear the Order 
apart completely.
 
OBI-WAN
And fear is the first mistake.
 
MACE
Exactly.
 
OBI-WAN
What are you afraid of in Anakin, Master Windu?
 
MACE
(shakes head)  I don’t trust your student.  I still feel he was taken for training 
too late in life.  He has too many attachments, too many outside concerns.  I 
can feel his turmoil, and his anger.  I also think all of this – his becoming a 
knight, even your being made a master – was done too hastily, and we are yet 
to face the full consequences of that haste.  No offense.
 
OBI-WAN
None taken.  Do you sense something else about him that I should know?
 
MACE
No, but there is much that I have not sensed of late.
 
OBI-WAN
Would you like to talk with him?
 
MACE
I already have.  He wants to learn Vaapad.
 
OBI-WAN
Your lightsaber fighting system?
 
MACE
(nods)  I said no.  It’s a much more aggressive style than any of the others, 
and I feel that it ill suits his temperament.  With so much conflict 
unresolved within him, the Vaapad system is not what he needs at this time.  
Its aggressive style can bring one closer to the dark side.
 
OBI-WAN
What did he say?
 
MACE
He wasn’t pleased.
 
OBI-WAN
(smiles)  I can imagine.  And now you’re concerned about him?
 
MACE
More concerned, yes.
 
CUT TO:
 
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 
 
(Obi-Wan and Mace, their Jedi robes rustling as they walk, walk through the 
courtyard of what looks like a hacienda-style Hollywood apartment building.)
 
We TRACK alongside.
 
OBI-WAN
What do you know about Padme?
 
MACE
I know she was the youngest queen of Naboo in the last few hundred years.  
She’s their Senator now, and a staunch ally of the Jedi.
 
OBI-WAN
Do you know how she and Palpatine met?
 
MACE
I don’t know.  Probably at some governmental function
 
OBI-WAN
Have you ever had a chance to speak with her?
 
MACE
I had a chance to speak to one of her star-pilots.
 
OBI-WAN
Which one?
 
MACE
The female Hussar.
 
OBI-WAN
And?
 
MACE
They all love her, trust her, and would lay down their lives for her.
 
OBI-WAN
So, either she’s a very good person . . . 
 
MACE
Or an excellent politician.
 
(They enter the apartment building.)
 
CUT TO interior hallway of the apartment building.  The two men stand in 
front of the door numbered "49."
 
MACE
Wait.
 
OBI-WAN
What?
 
MACE
(frowns, shakes his head)  The time isn’t quite right.  
 
(They move a little away from the door, facing each other.)
 
MACE
Why are you so interested in the Naboo senator?  Do you think she knew 
about this?
 
OBI-WAN
No, nothing like that.  But the council is sending Anakin to Ceti Alpha 5 
and he wanted me to keep an eye on her while he was gone.
 
MACE
He suspects her?
 
OBI-WAN
No, she’s a friend.  He just wants to be sure she’s all right.
 
MACE
You're going to be standing guard over a Republic Senator, who is 
replete with her own personal guards, during a secessionist war?
 
OBI-WAN
It isn’t a matter of guarding her.  It’s just looking out for a friend.
 
(Mace just looks at him)
 
OBI-WAN
This is not an unhealthy attachment.
 
MACE
Your friendship with Anakin is unhealthy enough.  It clouds your judgment.
 
OBI-WAN
It is the attachments that we maintain, as Jedi, that make us strong.
 
(Mace shakes his head)
 
MACE
She’s part of it, somehow.
 
OBI-WAN
What?
 
MACE
There is a shatterpoint, between the Order and the Sith.  And somehow, she’s involved.  Or will be.
 
OBI-WAN
She’s a politician, Mace.  Just because Anakin considers her above suspicion doesn’t mean that I do.
 
MACE
(nods)  Good enough.  And now it is time.  Let’s do this.
 
INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING
 
THREE YOUNG GUYS, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with 
burgers, french fries and soda pops laid out.
 
(One of them flips the loud bolt on the door, opening it to reveal Mace and 
Obi-Wan in the hallway.)
 
MACE
Hello, younglings.
 
(The two men stroll inside.)
 
(The three young caught-off-guard guys are:
 
MARVIN:
A small Martian with a Roman helmet.  In the face of what he is encountering here, he really misses his Earth-shattering kaboom.  As the scene progresses, he will back into the corner.
 
MOONS OF ENDOR:
A young Ewok warrior on a couch.
 
JAR-JAR:
That little twerp who all but ruined Episode One.  He also moved that 
Palpatine be given supreme executive power under the Emergency Powers 
Act in the name of Padme, Senator of Naboo.)
 
(Obi-Wan and Mace take in the place, with their hands folded in front in 
traditional Jedi style.  Mace is the one who does the talking.)
 
MACE
How are you this morning?
 
(No answer.)
 
MACE
(to Jar-Jar)
I just asked you a question.
 
JAR-JAR
We-sa doin' okay.
 
(As Mace and Jar-Jar talk, Obi-Wan moves to the kitchen.)
 
MACE
Do you know who we are?
 
(Jar-Jar nods, the others shake their heads: "No.")
 
MACE
We're representatives of the Jedi Order.  The peace-keeping force for the 
Galactic Republic.  You do remember the Republic, do you not?
 
(No answer.)
 
MACE
(to Jar-Jar)
Now then: you're Jar-Jar, right?
 
JAR-JAR
Me-sa Jar-Jar.
 
MACE
I thought so.  Well, you remember your obligations as a representative of the democratic Republic, don’t you, Jar-Jar?
 
JAR-JAR
Me-sa remember.
 
MACE
Good for you.  Looks like Obi-Wan and I caught you at breakfast.  My 
apologies.  What are you having?
 
JAR-JAR
Ahhhh, we-sa havin’ nerfburgers.
 
MACE
Nerfburgers!  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.  What type of 
nerfburgers?
 
JAR-JAR
They-sa got melties on ‘em..
 
MACE
No, I mean where did you get them?  Neebo’s, Sweeney’s, Dangerous Toys, 
where?
 
JAR-JAR
Arba Burger.
 
MACE
Arba Burger.  That's that Hutt establishment.  I heard they got their license 
back.  I’ve never had one myself, how are they?
 
JAR-JAR
They-sa good.
 
MACE
Would you object if I tried one of yours?
 
JAR-JAR
No.
 
MACE
Yours is this one, right?
 
JAR-JAR
Yah.
 
(Mace grabs the burger and take a bite of it.)
 
MACE
Uuummmm, that's some tasty nerf.
 
(to Obi-Wan)
Obi-Wan, you ever try a one of these?
 
OBI-WAN
No.
 
(Mace holds out the nerfburger.)
 
MACE
Do you want a bite, it’s very good.
 
OBI-WAN
Thank you, no.
 
MACE
Well, if you like nerf give them a try sometime.  I don’t usually eat them, 
because my missions tend to keep me on nutri-bars.  But I certainly do enjoy 
the taste of a good nerfburger.
 
(he points to a fast food drink cup)
 
What's in this?
 
JAR-JAR
Tink-drink?
 
MACE
Tink-drink, good.  Would you mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to 
wash this down?
 
JAR-JAR
Um, no, me-sa no mind, massa Jedi.
 
(Mace grabs the cup and slowly drains it dry, staring at Jar-Jar the entire 
time.)
 
MACE
Uuuuummmm, that hits the spot!
(to Moons of Endor)
You, Moons of Endor, you know what we're here for?
 
(Moons of Endor nods his head: "Yes.")
 
MACE
Then why don't you tell my companion Obi-Wan, where it is.
 
MARVIN
It's in the --
 
MACE
(character break)
I don't remember askin' you a god-damn thing!
(Back in character)
(to Moons of Endor)
You were saying?
 
MOONS OF ENDOR
(Gestures towards the kitchen, speaking in Ewok)
Yu-doh!  Yu-doh!
 
(Obi-Wan opens the cabinet, pulls out a black snap briefcase.)
 
OBI-WAN
Got it.
 
(Obi-Wan enters the combination 666, flips the two locks, opening the case.  
Inside are Jar-Jar’s credentials as a member of Senator Padme’s council, 
and thus representative of the planet Naboo to the Senate.)
 
MACE
Obi-Wan?
 
(Obi-Wan nods, closes the case.)
 
JAR-JAR
(to Mace)
Looka-looka, what's-a you name?  His-a name's Obi-Wan, but what's-a yours?
 
MACE
(looks at Jar-Jar dangerously) 
I am Master Mace Windu, and you aren’t talking your way out of this.
 
JAR-JAR
Looky, me-sa just wants you to know how sorry we-sa be about how things 
have gotten so skronky between us and-a the Jedi High Council.  When 
we-sa entered into this, we-sa hads only mui-mui best intentions --
 
(Without warning, Mace ignites his lightsaber and cuts Moons of Endor in 
half.)
 
(Obi-Wan’s eyebrows clutch at his hairline.)
 
(Jar-Jar has just crapped his pants.  He's not crying or whimpering, but he's 
so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.)
 
MACE
(to Jar-Jar)
(Partial character break)  
Oh, I'm sorry.  Did that break your concentration?  I didn't mean to do that.  
Please, continue.  I believe you were saying something about "best 
intentions."
 
(Jar-Jar can't say a word.)
 
MACE
What’s the matter?  Oh, you were finished.  Well, allow me this democratic 
response: what does the galaxy look like?
 
(Jar-Jar still can't speak.)
 
(Mace snaps, savagely tipping the card table over, removing the only barrier 
between himself and Jar-Jar.  Jar-Jar now sits in a lone chair before Mace 
like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.)
 
MACE
(character break)  
What planet are you from!
 
JAR-JAR
(petrified)
What?
 
MACE
"What" ain't no planet I know!  Do they speak Basic on "What?"
 
JAR-JAR
(near heart attack)
What?
 
MACE
Basic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?
 
JAR-JAR
Yes.
 
MACE
Then you can understand what I'm sayin'?
 
JAR-JAR
Yes.
 
MACE
What does the galaxy look like!
 
JAR-JAR
What?
 
(Mace ignites his lightsaber and points it directly at Jar-Jar’s face.)
 
MACE
(character shatters, little shards tinkling to the floor)
Say "What" again!  C'mon, say "What" again!  I dare ya, I double dare ya, 
ya Uncle-Tom motherfucker, say "What" one more god-damn time!
 
(Jar-Jar is regressing on the spot.)
 
MACE
Now what does the galaxy look like!!
 
(Jar-Jar does his best.)
 
JAR-JAR
Well he's-sa  . . . he's-sa . . . big --
 
MACE
-- go on!
 
JAR-JAR
 . . . and he's-sa . . . he's-sa . . . fulla stars --
 
MACE
-- does it look like a bitch?
 
JAR-JAR
(without thinking)
What?
 
(Mace savagely cuts off Jar-Jar’s right arm.)
 
(Jar-Jar screams, breaking into a shaking/trembling spasm in the chair.) 
 
JAR-JAR
Iiiieeeeeeee!!!  Me-sa gonna diiieeeeeeeee!!
 
MACE
Does-it, look-like, a-bitch??
 
JAR-JAR
(in agony)
Noooo!  No, the galaxy, he-sa no look like a bitch, Massa Mace Windu!
 
MACE
Then why did you try to fuck it like a bitch, Jar-Jar?
 
JAR-JAR
(in spasm)
Noooo . . .  me-sa no do that . . . 
 
MACE
Yes you did . . .  yes you did!  And unfortunately for you, the galaxy doesn’t 
like to be fucked by anybody except (pause) the Jedi High Council.
 
(Mace becomes dangerously quiet.)
 
You ever read the Bible, Jar-Jar?  
 
JAR-JAR
(in spasm, weeping)
Yes.
 
MACE
There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation.  
Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the 
inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.  Blessed is he who, 
in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley 
of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost 
children.  And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious 
anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.” 
 
(raises lightsaber)
 
“And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon 
you!"
 
(Mace strikes Jar-Jar with his lightsaber again and again, his face contorting 
more and more into a tengu-mask of fierce joy and rage.  His final move is a 
full-force thrust through the back of the chair itself.  Mace stands, his 
breathing hard and heavy, slowly becoming more calm.  Then abruptly he 
snaps back into character, clips his lightsaber onto his belt with an audible 
*clip* sound, and turns to Obi-Wan as though nothing had happened.)
 
(All that remains of Jar-Jar is his severed limbs, head, and some steaming 
cubes of charred meat.)
 
(All is quiet.)
 
MACE
(back in character)
 . . . And that’s the basic foundation of the Vaapad system.
 
(Obi-Wan just stares at him)
 
MACE
You can see why I am reluctant to teach it to young Skywalker at this time.  
It’s very easy to misinterpret the subtle arts of Vaapad, and misunderstand 
its intentions.
 
(Obi-Wan just stares at him)
 
MACE
As you can see, Vaapad is somewhat more aggressive than the other 
lightsaber fighting styles---
 
OBI-WAN
(Character break)  
You think???
 
(Then suddenly the bathroom door BURSTS OPEN, and a FOURTH MAN
(as young as the rest) comes CHARGING out, a heavy blaster carbine in his 
hands.
 
We DOLLY into a MEDIUM on him.)
 
FOURTH MAN
Die . . . die . . . die . . . die . . . die . . . die . . . !
 
(The Fourth Man fires full-automatic as the Jedi use their lightsaber defense 
techniques to parry as many of the shots as possible.  He screams a maniacal 
cry of revenge until he's dry firing.
 
Then . . . his face does a complete change of expression.  It goes from a 
"Vengeance is mine" expression, to a "What the fuck" blank look.)           
 
TWO SHOT - MACE AND OBI-WAN standing next to each other, 
unharmed.  Amazing as it seems, none of the Fourth Man's shots appear to 
have hit anybody. 
 
(Mace and Obi-Wan exchange looks like, "Are we hit?"  They're as 
confused at the shooter.  After looking at each other, they look at the wall 
behind them.  Obviously, many of the shots got through, but they are 
unharmed.  Then they bring their looks back to the fourth man.)
 
(MEDIUM on the Fourth Man)
 
FOURTH MAN
I don't understand --
 
(Mace cuts him in half, almost casually.)
 
TWO SHOT - OBI-WAN AND MACE 
 
(The two men extinguish their sabers.  Obi-Wan, obviously shaken, sits down 
in a chair.  Mace shrugs it off.  Then he heads toward Marvin in the corner.)
 
MACE
Why didn't you tell us about that guy in the bathroom?  Slip your mind?  
Forget he was in there with a full automatic cannon?
 
OBI-WAN
(to himself)
We should be dead right now.  (pause)  Mace, did you see that gun he fired 
at us?  It was bigger than him.
 
MACE
A Waynes-Atley Multigat.  Very deadly, especially in an enclosed space.
 
OBI-WAN
We should be dead.
 
MACE
(shrugs) We were lucky.
 
(Obi-Wan rises, moving toward Mace.)
 
OBI-WAN
(character break)  
That wasn't luck.  In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.  
That was something else.
 
(Mace prepares to leave.)
 
MACE
Yeah, maybe.
 
OBI-WAN
That was . . . divine intervention, Mace.  You know what divine intervention 
is?
 
MACE
Yes, I think so.  That means the Force is with us.
 
OBI-WAN
(back into character)  Oh.  (pause)  Oh, yes.
 
MACE
I think we should be going now.
 
OBI-WAN
(All is right in the world again)  Quite right.
 
(Obi-Wan grabs the case, Mace grabs Marvin.  The two Jedi exit, leaving 
Jar-Jar’s bouillon-cubed corpse behind with the others.) 
 
FADE TO BLACK.



--Coyote.

(Images of Jar-Jar and Mace Windu are both (c) George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd.  All rights reserved.)

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