Sunday, September 8, 2013

Scientific Progress Goes . . .


Once upon a time, Calvin and Hobbes were moonlighting with Susie Derkins, riding around in Calvin’s wagon...

(Scene: Calvin and Susie are riding in a wagon together, rattling at high speed through the untamed woods.  Calvin is trying to explain his and Hobbes’ games to Susie, without success.  Hobbes is tucked behind them.)

Calvin: . . . because scientific progress goes boink.

Susie:  It does not!

Calvin: It does so.  You just don’t understand ‘cuz you’re a girl.  So you hate science.

Susie: Right.  I’m sure I’m gonna discuss human progress with a person who refers to the act of scientific discovery as “boinking.”

Calvin: See, see what I mean? Right away, you get all stiff and tense.

Susie: No, no, no.  Not right away.  And not with everybody.  Just you.  You make me stiff and tense because you’re weird.

Calvin: I make you stiff and tense because I’m the only person you know who can invent things, and you’re jealous.

Susie: You are not.  And I am not!

Calvin: Name one.

Susie: Um . . . Mister Bun.

Calvin: That stupid rabbit’s not a scientist.  Name someone who really invents things.  Big things.  Important things.

Susie: I will not.

Calvin: Because you can’t.  Because there is no one.

Susie: I’m not listening to you.

Calvin: Because it makes you crazy that the whole scientific community is out there boinking, the whole world except you.

Susie: Not a single word.  Not a single word.

Calvin: Because scientific progress goes boink.

Susie: Shut up.

Calvin: (considers the moment carefully, then speaks) Boink. 

(Susie glares at him.)

Calvin: Boink. 

(Susie concentrates on steering the wagon down a steep hill, trying to ignore him.)

Calvin: Boink.  Boink.  Boink.  Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink . . .

Susie: Stop it, Calvin!

Calvin: Can’t you hear them out there?

Susie: I’ll tell your mom--

Calvin: Boink, boink, boink, boink . . .

Susie: You don’t knock it off, I’m throwing you out!

Calvin: Listen, I can hear ‘em!  Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boinkity-boink, boink-boink-boink-boink-boink . . .

(Susie squeals the wagon to a halt at the base of the hill, and Calvin flies out onto the sidewalk head over teakettle)

Calvin: Whoa—ooof!!

(The wagon tears away)

Calvin: (stands up, dusts himself off)  Was it something I said?

Susie: (wagon is still speeding away)  Jerk.

Hobbes: (leans back, relaxed)  He’ll grow out of it.

Sometime again,

(Calvin & Hobbes were created by Bill Watterson, and wherever he is in his well-deserved privacy, we do say thank you; Grown-up pic with Hobbes and transmogrifier is courtesy of, with special congratulations to the gentleman and lady shown here who were married in a Calvin & Hobbes themed wedding on July 6, 2012.  May the dreams you build together always be powerful and free.  All rights reserved by those who rightfully reserve them.)

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