Friday, August 31, 2012

The Magic Lamp

(I offer the following as a recreation of a tale I read when I was very, very young.  Interesting how a story can amuse for one reason during childhood, and for another reason entirely when one is an adult.  And if one can remember one's own childhood as an adult, then everything is that much funnier, from that many more directions at once.)

[The scene is an urban city street corner.  A man is walking along the street, whistling.  On the sidewalk is an old lamp.]

Lamp: Pssst!

Man: Who, me?

Lamp: Uh-huh.  Hey, listen.  I’m a magic lamp.  Rub me and I’ll give you a wish.

Man: Oh.  Um.  Really?

Lamp:  Hey, I’m talking to you, right?  So I must be magic, right?  So c’mon.  Rub me.

[Man looks around]

Lamp: Nobody’s watching.  Come on.

[Man starts rubbing the lamp]

Lamp: Yeah.  Just like that.  Perfect.  Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  Lower.  Just a little harder.  Harder.  Oh.  Oh, God.  Yes.  Yes!  Oh, baby, harder!  Oh . . . oh . . . oh God, oh God, I’m – Hey, don’t stop!

[Man puts lamp down]

Man: This is weird.

Lamp: What?  No, hey, come back.  You were just about to get your wish.  It was almost there.  Promise. 

[Man hesitates]

Lamp: Come on, baby.  Don’t stop now.

[Man starts rubbing lamp again]

Lamp: Yeah.  Oh, yes.  Oh . . . oh . . . oh my god . . . oh . . . aaaaaah . . .

[Enter Giant Lamp, easily half again the Man’s height, from around the corner]

Giant Lamp: What the hell is going on here?  Ethyl, who is this guy?

Man: Eep.

Lamp: I don’t know, I was just sitting here, minding my own business, and this guy just came up to me and started rubbing me for no reason.

Man: Hey!

Lamp: I told him to stop, but he just wouldn't.

Man: That’s a lie!  She wanted me to!  She told me to rub her!

Lamp: He rubbed me all over.

Giant Lamp: Okay, I think I get the picture.

Man: You do?

Giant Lamp: Sure.  And just to show there’s no hard feelings, I’ll let you rub me and get a wish.

Man: Er . . .

Giant Lamp: Come on, man.  Nobody’ll know.

[Man starts rubbing Giant Lamp]

Giant Lamp: Yeah.  Just like that.  Wow.  You’re good at this.  Mmmm.

[Something starts emerging from Giant Lamp’s spout]

Giant Lamp: Keep going, yeah, just let the greed flow, man.  The wish is coming . . . the wish is coming . . . mmmm . . . nnnnggggg . . . . AH!

[Sound FX: POIT!]

[Man is holding what emerged with both hands]

Man: But . . . but I didn’t wish for a teddy bear . . .

Giant Lamp: Some people are just never satisfied.  Come on, Ethyl.  Let’s go home.



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